We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
