but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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