I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
