i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
