I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
