Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Randomize
