I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A+ Viking dick
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