So drunk its hurt
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.