Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
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I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
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Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hungover. No words. Just memes.