i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold