I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
