i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
