Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
