Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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