after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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