Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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