my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
