My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
