I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
