You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
