I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
