Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
