Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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