I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
