we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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