just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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