i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
