I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
