just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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