the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
