I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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