I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
