She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
