So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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