my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
