Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
