Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
