Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
