I cannot find my penis.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
