I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
sex in a hospital.. check
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
