why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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