also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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