i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
