Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
