We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
