I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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