Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
