My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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