I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
