I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
