You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
