you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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