Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
