you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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