either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
