I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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