Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
