if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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