nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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