i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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