I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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