my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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