He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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