I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
