I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You took a bar mat shot.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
