the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
